A conversation I had with a dear friend reveal to me a truth I was denying myself to face. Sooner or later, I’ll have to bear with the fact, that I’m nearing (what I call) my prime and the dilemma of the age-thirty crisis.
For the longest time, I was living in the comfort of my own shell. I did try to get out to see the world for myself but only for a brief moment. I loved it nevertheless. The new discoveries that brought to me newer perspective of life and this world, were memories I hold dearly. I wanted to go back to discover newer things again but I dread having to go through the phase alone. I have been a loner. I guess as an introvert, that’s nothing unusual. But the need for company drove me to look back at the life I made.
Was I really happy? Did I make use of my life to affect the kind of change I wished to attain for myself and for others? Did I make a difference? And if I did, will it be enough to fire people up to create same positive rippling effect to others? To spark change? To ignite flames of positivity for the world? Or did I just waste it away? So many questions but only the people that surrounds me will be able to answer.
To answer the first, I have to delve deeply to every endeavor I took the days and years past and take a closer look at the driving force that motivated and brought me to why things has happened the way it had. Can I honestly shout to the world that I am genuinely happy at the life I made? Well, I cannot say that I wasn’t. I cannot say either that I was. If I’m gonna say that I was happy for a moment, will it defy my claim? Is there a kind of happiness that lasts only for a moment? After a little help from an ever reliable friend, yes, there is that kind of feeling. That’s if, we are talking at the context of happiness alone. Because beyond that, there is a state of positive emotion that will not only last for a moment but is ever present. And that is what most people sought after which often gets confused with happiness: Joy.
Happiness, as I know now, I have loads of those— those fleeting moments of contentment that doesn’t guarantee a permanent abode. I had been predominantly happy my whole life, despite how I manage to stay reserved and aloof around people, on situations that demands me to flip my tiny wings to fly to that horizon which is completely foreign to me, at circumstances that squeezes and expands my ideals and tenets in life. Happiness is transitory. Joy, like God Himself, is omnipresent.
Like the air we breathe, we search for joy our whole lives to sustain us. Be it a feeling of contentment or gratitude, it is evident in every dealing we make on a daily basis. We go to work despite knowing how mentally and emotionally draining our tasks will be because we live with the fact and revel in the truth that our predicaments, no matter how serious, doesn’t last for long. That the sorrows and hardships are never here to engulf us entirely. Joy, as the fibre of our soul, never vanishes. It’s woven in our soul. It is the warmth that grips our heart during tough times.
Generally, I cannot count the times that I was happy because there were probably a million moments which my memory now cannot remember them exactly. And I need not to.
Those moments when I let the hermit crab in me crawl out of its shell, that precisely was the kind of joy that brought to me more than a dose of positive outlook but an entirely different kind of contentment no other thing has ever done to me. Perhaps, this is the reason why I am dying to relive that moment again and again and again. Plus the fact that for the first time in my life, I went on an adventure of a lifetime (although most wouldn’t consider it that way) with the company of someone. He made the experience and the learning extremely special… I am forever humbled.
So being able to reach at this point in my journey is a blessing, not a curse. I have my share of the rollercoaster rides for the past thirty years, so what’s there to be wary of? I’ve gone through the crests and troughs… what more should I be afraid of? When all else fails and falters, I know the grace I am endowed with, is enough to make my heart blossom with joy and radiates the glory that is hidden in my soul, once again. And again. And again.
I had been okay. Yeah, despite the fact that I am still coping, I could honestly say that I am fine. I had been good at bouncing back. Everyone dear to me would know that.
For over a year, I have not seen or talked to him. I don’t even try to know what he’s currently up to. Even before he made that decision, I knew from the start what would really made him eternally happy. As heartbreaking as it is, the moment I learnt about how I truly feel for him was the day I also accepted the sad truth that he can never belong to me. He made the decision and no matter how we feel towards one another, nothing can change the fact that he is forever gone.
Unfortunately, the day he came back rushing at the door calling for my name, I knew right then and there that all the efforts I put into banishing all the memories found its way to awaken once again that place in my heart where his name had long been etched. Devoid of the right sanity to repel the usual reaction I do when he is around, I made no effort to dismiss his rare presence. The fire which I thought had died out since then have ignite sparks of bittersweet emotions, though I know will only last temporarily.
The familiar voice, the childlike laugh, the heart-melting stares, the way he moves when he talks, everything about him hasn’t changed a bit, very much opposite of what most people told me about. He is still the same old guy he used to be four years ago. At least to me, he still is.
To you, my old flame, I know you’ll never ever get to read this but I do hope, you are genuinely happy with the life you’ve chosen. You are imperfectly beautiful and I will always looked up to you as a person. I think you know that already. Your imperfections and how you tried each day to become a better you, made my heart ache for the love I had been denied.
Forgive me for the times that I’ve forsaken you in exchange for the peace of mind I had sought after. I didn’t know any better way to cope with the situation. I thought we’ll forget each other if we stop seeing each other. That, I was wrong. I learned how wrong I was when you held my hand, yesterday.
I promise I will never ran away from you again just to forget you. God will heal my wounds in the right time. I’ll stop acting indifferent, instead, I’ll embrace you while I still have the chance to do that, hoping and praying that your constant presence will help me get through this chapter, a victor of my own battles.
Two months into our relationship you once asked me how much I loved you and I just said “From here”. You didn’t get it and you got mad and thought I was playing around.
Breaking up after almost two years together, I sent you a message 6 months later saying “To Here”.
You still didn’t get it.
I did not wish for anything this Christmas but still He showered me graces I never would have expected to get. If I am allowed to make a wish, I would have wanted only to ask for time. Yes, sufficient time alone, and I am more than fine.